So my wife tells me that I do not mentally stimulate her. It seems that as a husband, her husband, I am tolerable at best. I am at a cross roads of sort. How do I find happiness? How do I become a/the man my wife truly adores, loves? Is this even possible at this point in our relationship.......

I have come to realization in my marriage that for it to work I will always be the one to make concessions. I have stepped up in almost every way possible in our marriage and she is still unhappy. I MEAN HELL!! Now she complains that I don't come to major decisions fast enough. This is code for "I miss my Sir and I really want to talk to him". I can't think of a time in our marriage where she was that into me. How do I handle the emotions I have about a wife who needs other people to stay married to one? Self worth has quickly become a prevalent issue in my life right now.

So I'm on this medicine that helps me deal with things better; But I am by myself in sorting out my feelings. My wife talks down to me and this in my opinion is because people outside our marriage more easily accept her. I mean hey why wouldn't they accept her when I carry all her shit around on my shoulders. This baggage weighs on my very being. She only seems to attract broken individuals who have issues keeping their own relationships going but so easily jump aboard the "I can do polamory" boat for her. These men are smooth operators and I am forced to just smile because I can't be right. Gawd!! I am so angry I feel it coming out my pores. I am tired of so much and I promised myself my health will come first so its time for me to consider the hard decisions and protect myself.
I have been OFFICIALLY Bipolar for 2.5 weeks. No one gets this!!! I am trying my best to figure out simple shit like what foods do i still like!!! much less try to adjust to my wifes craving for men and not me!!
AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
God help me!!!!!!!!!

State of things

It's been nine days since I started my medicine. I started this blog with the intent of discussing my thoughts as I delve deeper into my thoughts on polamory. But life has funny twist and turns. My wife whom seems to like what she now calls her Mr. Black, is definitely more positive that I would have expected to be. She is also been very supportive. Which as you can guess is very important. No one wants to go through this alone.... you know having Bipolar. Our marriage had broken, our dreams shattered..... only thing left was prayer. We both prayed while not knowing the other was praying also. It's funny how prayers are answered sometimes. Who would guess that an unknown illness that affected my very personality would be the answer to our prayers. Now this doesn't mean I don't have work as a husband to do but it does mean that I have a real chance at peace in my marriage. My wife heals fast. She is already hinting that I need to find a girl to go fuck and come home with all the juicy details. As happy as I am right now I still find myself being tentative. I really want and need this to work.

I learned something today. I CAN'T STOMACH MCDONALD'S! LOL.... yeah I know big whoop huh. But seriously I have been on this medicine for just a few short days and my body in metabolizing the medicine at such a quick rate that I am seeing dramatic changes in my daily persona. I mean my fussing has all but stopped. DW seems to have warmed up to me a little more. But like anything else nice in my life, I screw it up. My DW wife is tired and exhausted from years of marriage to a crazy husband. I wish I knew about my disorder before now. I don't know how much more she can take. And that scares me.

Day Three

Wow! This medicine is really kicking my ass! I slept like a coma patient today. Even DW found herself getting worried about me. That seems to be small improvement from how she has been feeling lately. But I'm scared, really scared about where the future will take me. However DW is doing just fine. She has here Sir whom she talks to at every moment of the day. And what does she do...... she runs to her Sir and tells him everything. HELL!! I've barely got my head around all of this and not even 24 hours later DW has my disorder in the streets. I should have just rented a billboard!!! Me..... well I just try to do the things she ask of me so I can back her favor and hopefully she will talk to me too. I must really love her to be able to put up with so much shit from her. I know she is doing her best to hurt me. She will never admit it. She may not even realize it. But she definitely is trying to make me feel the pain, the same pain she says she has felt for a long while now. I get it. I have been an ass to her by being the neglectful husband. Come to find out I wasn't quite in control the way I thought. Man I could so use a Manic High right now..... everything would be alright at least to me for just a little while. Yes happiness has become such an abstract concept in this person's life. I should be happy that my wife calls another man Sir and tells him all her intimate thoughts including mine I have told to her. I should be happy that as long as I punk out and don't rock the boat by voicing my emotions, which she calls fussing, then things will go more smoothly for me. Yes I should also understand how it's okay for us to have a poly relationship with a fucked up nucleus. I know, I know its the as long as I got mine syndrome. I also understand it's yet one more burden I have to put on myself. Peace.

Day Two and NO fussing from me! :-)

So....... Where do I start. I schedule a visit with my doctor for a sinus infection which heals itself before my appointment. Now I have every intention of canceling this appointment, but I don't. Hell I even forgot till late last night. So I decide to go anyway, I am an American I know I can find something wrong with anything.(jk) So I was sure I would find some aliment if I sat there long enough. I tell the doc I have been suffering from really low energy and can't sleep.(my mind never shuts down) OMG! This led to more questions and even more. While I am sitting there answering I just wanted to say doc we both know this is depression. I just told you my wife and I are at odds so gimme the free pills and write me a script and let me go.(irritability here) Then he looks up and smiles........... So Black have you heard of Bipolar Disorder. Now who in the western hemisphere hasn't heard of Bipolar Disorder! He proceeds to tell me how all my symptoms fit. So he gives me The Questionnaire, which I'm proud to say if it were a pop quiz and I were in high school I would have aced it. But reality is not always friendly and reality dictated that I indeed suffer from Bipolar Disorder.
Bipolar Disorder.......... These two words bounced around inside my head till I was bursting inside. Then came the hind sight the realization that I have been handicapped all my life until this day and how much pain I have dished out to others whether in my marriage or coworkers, etc. All the life experiences I have been robbed of because I was to blind to see them in front of me. Hell it even explained the issues that I have been causing in my own marriage..... Marriage if I still can call what I am living that. I have a lot of learning about myself coming up. They say it takes two months to for the medicine to fully seed in my system. I am afraid of who that person will be like, maybe I really don't like lasagna.(jk) But seriously how will this evening out of things work. One thing I do know..... I have to get myself together for myself and not for my kids, my wife, or my marriage. I won't be the father, husband, protector I need and can be if I fail. On the good side of things I really am not the bad guy my wife feels I am. Now will the Real Mr. Black please stand up!!!