So my wife tells me that I do not mentally stimulate her. It seems that as a husband, her husband, I am tolerable at best. I am at a cross roads of sort. How do I find happiness? How do I become a/the man my wife truly adores, loves? Is this even possible at this point in our relationship.......

I have come to realization in my marriage that for it to work I will always be the one to make concessions. I have stepped up in almost every way possible in our marriage and she is still unhappy. I MEAN HELL!! Now she complains that I don't come to major decisions fast enough. This is code for "I miss my Sir and I really want to talk to him". I can't think of a time in our marriage where she was that into me. How do I handle the emotions I have about a wife who needs other people to stay married to one? Self worth has quickly become a prevalent issue in my life right now.

So I'm on this medicine that helps me deal with things better; But I am by myself in sorting out my feelings. My wife talks down to me and this in my opinion is because people outside our marriage more easily accept her. I mean hey why wouldn't they accept her when I carry all her shit around on my shoulders. This baggage weighs on my very being. She only seems to attract broken individuals who have issues keeping their own relationships going but so easily jump aboard the "I can do polamory" boat for her. These men are smooth operators and I am forced to just smile because I can't be right. Gawd!! I am so angry I feel it coming out my pores. I am tired of so much and I promised myself my health will come first so its time for me to consider the hard decisions and protect myself.
I have been OFFICIALLY Bipolar for 2.5 weeks. No one gets this!!! I am trying my best to figure out simple shit like what foods do i still like!!! much less try to adjust to my wifes craving for men and not me!!
AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
God help me!!!!!!!!!

State of things

It's been nine days since I started my medicine. I started this blog with the intent of discussing my thoughts as I delve deeper into my thoughts on polamory. But life has funny twist and turns. My wife whom seems to like what she now calls her Mr. Black, is definitely more positive that I would have expected to be. She is also been very supportive. Which as you can guess is very important. No one wants to go through this alone.... you know having Bipolar. Our marriage had broken, our dreams shattered..... only thing left was prayer. We both prayed while not knowing the other was praying also. It's funny how prayers are answered sometimes. Who would guess that an unknown illness that affected my very personality would be the answer to our prayers. Now this doesn't mean I don't have work as a husband to do but it does mean that I have a real chance at peace in my marriage. My wife heals fast. She is already hinting that I need to find a girl to go fuck and come home with all the juicy details. As happy as I am right now I still find myself being tentative. I really want and need this to work.

I learned something today. I CAN'T STOMACH MCDONALD'S! LOL.... yeah I know big whoop huh. But seriously I have been on this medicine for just a few short days and my body in metabolizing the medicine at such a quick rate that I am seeing dramatic changes in my daily persona. I mean my fussing has all but stopped. DW seems to have warmed up to me a little more. But like anything else nice in my life, I screw it up. My DW wife is tired and exhausted from years of marriage to a crazy husband. I wish I knew about my disorder before now. I don't know how much more she can take. And that scares me.

Day Three

Wow! This medicine is really kicking my ass! I slept like a coma patient today. Even DW found herself getting worried about me. That seems to be small improvement from how she has been feeling lately. But I'm scared, really scared about where the future will take me. However DW is doing just fine. She has here Sir whom she talks to at every moment of the day. And what does she do...... she runs to her Sir and tells him everything. HELL!! I've barely got my head around all of this and not even 24 hours later DW has my disorder in the streets. I should have just rented a billboard!!! Me..... well I just try to do the things she ask of me so I can back her favor and hopefully she will talk to me too. I must really love her to be able to put up with so much shit from her. I know she is doing her best to hurt me. She will never admit it. She may not even realize it. But she definitely is trying to make me feel the pain, the same pain she says she has felt for a long while now. I get it. I have been an ass to her by being the neglectful husband. Come to find out I wasn't quite in control the way I thought. Man I could so use a Manic High right now..... everything would be alright at least to me for just a little while. Yes happiness has become such an abstract concept in this person's life. I should be happy that my wife calls another man Sir and tells him all her intimate thoughts including mine I have told to her. I should be happy that as long as I punk out and don't rock the boat by voicing my emotions, which she calls fussing, then things will go more smoothly for me. Yes I should also understand how it's okay for us to have a poly relationship with a fucked up nucleus. I know, I know its the as long as I got mine syndrome. I also understand it's yet one more burden I have to put on myself. Peace.

Day Two and NO fussing from me! :-)

So....... Where do I start. I schedule a visit with my doctor for a sinus infection which heals itself before my appointment. Now I have every intention of canceling this appointment, but I don't. Hell I even forgot till late last night. So I decide to go anyway, I am an American I know I can find something wrong with anything.(jk) So I was sure I would find some aliment if I sat there long enough. I tell the doc I have been suffering from really low energy and can't sleep.(my mind never shuts down) OMG! This led to more questions and even more. While I am sitting there answering I just wanted to say doc we both know this is depression. I just told you my wife and I are at odds so gimme the free pills and write me a script and let me go.(irritability here) Then he looks up and smiles........... So Black have you heard of Bipolar Disorder. Now who in the western hemisphere hasn't heard of Bipolar Disorder! He proceeds to tell me how all my symptoms fit. So he gives me The Questionnaire, which I'm proud to say if it were a pop quiz and I were in high school I would have aced it. But reality is not always friendly and reality dictated that I indeed suffer from Bipolar Disorder.
Bipolar Disorder.......... These two words bounced around inside my head till I was bursting inside. Then came the hind sight the realization that I have been handicapped all my life until this day and how much pain I have dished out to others whether in my marriage or coworkers, etc. All the life experiences I have been robbed of because I was to blind to see them in front of me. Hell it even explained the issues that I have been causing in my own marriage..... Marriage if I still can call what I am living that. I have a lot of learning about myself coming up. They say it takes two months to for the medicine to fully seed in my system. I am afraid of who that person will be like, maybe I really don't like lasagna.(jk) But seriously how will this evening out of things work. One thing I do know..... I have to get myself together for myself and not for my kids, my wife, or my marriage. I won't be the father, husband, protector I need and can be if I fail. On the good side of things I really am not the bad guy my wife feels I am. Now will the Real Mr. Black please stand up!!!

Day One

where do I begin.... DW tells me that do to my jealousy and fussing and other short comings that seem to pile up day by day that she now only sees me like any other guy on the street. Basically a roommate that shares her bed and that if I want her to stay then I need to prove myself. I know... I sound like a bad guy or even the worst husband in the the world. But this is far from the truth. And on top of all of that she has announced she will basically do whatever with whomever even if it means cheating. So I ask myself how does one reconcile with the one they love knowing that a booty call seemingly has more respect. I wish I knew. So I have decided not to let her negative views conquer me. I will take this one day at a time. On a lighter note we had a no fussing day. (Day one in breaking the cycle Yea!) I also had a former lover reach out to me to see how I was doing. She has moved on and is in her on committed open relationship. We are nolonger sexually active with one another but it's always good to hear from friends. I guess this blogger is in for some serious growth and a lot of heartache.

Update:
So I am laying in bed next to DW and she comments on how I was ignoring her. ARRGH!! I'm ignoring her now. Just 24 hours earlier I was told that if she never heard me speak to her again or even saw me she wouldn't be sad at all. Hell if I were hurt she would only show up for the kids sake. Now after being told to leave her alone she then tells me 24 hours later I am ignoring her and in the same breath continues to confirm that her feelings or thoughts she expressed last night have not changed. AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHH!!! I know I have a lot of making up to do but OMG!!! this is definitely something I don't understand. This is mental warfare I have enlisted myself into. Thank goodness for single story dwellings because I would so walk off the edge of a highrise right about now!

Polyamory

Where do I begin? Blogging seems to have become such a natural and common place activity. I am so private a person I have never considered a journal nor diary . However I feel compelled to talk about my inner most thoughts and personal demons in such a public forum.
Am I a polyamorist? That's what I am asking myself. My wife has confessed to me that she is and all I seem to be focused on is how I am not enough. Now we have enjoyed an open relationship for many years. But now to evolve from open to polyamory scares me. See I am the typical unflappable personality, but I can't seem to shake the feeling of somehow I drove my Dear Wife to seek out others. DW, to her created, has repeatedly tried to aleviate those fears. But now I am driving her away with my emotions on this matter. I tell myself to just let it go and trust in us but jealousy seems to have taken it's toll on me and her to a point of ending our relationship.
We argue about stuff like if she meets a man, she feels like I ought to be buddy buddy. I explained to her very distinctly that I would be lukewarm at best. I promised not to taint but I know I would never fully warm up to another guy. We always talked about another woman fulltime, even before we discovered the term polyamory, and after awhile i agreed to that. I liked being open. I liked the non-committal aspect of being open. Though I may felt the twinges of jealousy then I always dealt with it. Now I feel like everything has become bigger than me. Bigger than us. This makes normal marital issues magnified to tremendous amounts where once they were easy to deal with.
DW and I have been fussing but I admit I am the antagonist in this story. I want, need to break this cycle of negativity. But like some addict I seem bent on trying to prove that she is only doing this because I am not enough and how do I make this right. Problem is that I am enough and she needs these other dynamics to have a fulfilling life.
So now I ask myself am I polyamory because in learning more about her I have been forced to learn about myself. DW would always say even in being open I am the one that always gets more emotionally involved and that in reality she was the one who had to learn to adjust and be poly and I may be fighting my natural tendencies for fear of a lack of control. Lack of control(jealousy) something I thought I truly conquered years ago. Yes I am a polyamorist. But this jealousy thing is kicking my ass.
I have to admit getting these thoughts out of my head has been a little theraputic. Think I will do this again.